Audio: Readings by the author
|
Odyssey:
I had become One in a Hundred; a teenage psychiatric patient diagnosed with schizophrenia.
I was told I must take antipsychotic drugs for the rest of my life. It is conceivable that had I accepted this literally I may not have experienced further shifts in consciousness. It is also conceivable, that had this been the case I would not have integrated my experiences and come to a subsequent understanding and resolution; consequently my life would have been impoverished.
There was a subtle and systematic attempt to condition me so that I would view myself as ill, diseased, and as experiencing delusional and hallucinatory states - ‘cancer of the mind.’
During one assessment session I underwent, I recall a clinician stating:
‘You are sick… do you know that?’
On replying: ‘No I am not’ I was informed that my answer clearly indicated I was and that until I had accepted this I would remain unwell. By saying I was not sick I was deemed to be insane, had I said the opposite the outcome would have inevitably and inescapably been the same… Catch 22.
Sadly, I began to see myself as deranged, until in 1984, I made the decision to extricate myself from psychiatric interference. I felt my identity had been sabotaged by diagnosis and fought to reclaim ownership of selfhood.
I have been prescribed antipsychotic drugs at various times and at varying levels, low and high. They have both helped and hindered, depending on the type of drug, efficacy, side effects and my personal circumstances.
I’ve experienced thirteen periods of schizophrenia spanning forty-five years. I have however, received psychiatric hospitality, mercifully, only four times ... ‘Quoth the Raven!’ As a University of Life, I have learned a great deal in intuitional settings.
I seize every occurrence and do not regard them as disparate or isolated, rather as way-markers representing psychic events that have assisted me navigate this Earthly and Universal adventure. For this, I thank my lucky stars and a loving, protective, accepting family. In addition, I have a GP whose sensitivity, intelligence, and open mind are a godsend, and I am embraced by a network of supportive friends and colleagues.
The first and following episodes were pervaded by signs, symbolism, synchronicity, and significance. As a result, in an endeavour to translate the transformational potential that psychosis possesses, having left the heat of the kitchen, I took up meditation [transcenmental medication] and decided to study art, with the aim of communicating my experiences using the language and vocabulary of visual media. I’m not eager to describe myself as an artist, preferring instead the more relevant and specific term Reality Tester. As a vehicle to communicate the experience of psyche-sensitivity, visual imagery is well suited; reality, illusion, metaphor and perception, a synthesis of the elements required to convey the complexities of the mind.
For many years I toured my work, and to earn a living became a Sign Maker… I am not a normal schizophrenic, I am a professional schizophrenic!
It was not until I had rejected psychiatry that I was able to set into context and make true sense of my experience of unusual states of consciousness. I feel I’ve accessed aspects of reality few are privileged to glimpse, like an intrepid explorer who has journeyed to distant and mysterious lands and who has returned to present evidence of his discoveries.
Although I do not regard my experience as an illness, I acknowledge that during periods of schizophrenia assistance was required, but the harrowing ill-treatment I received at the hands of psychiatry intensified mistrust and neglected needs.
I am committed to the cause of exposing Psychiatric Assault. I do not fear schizophrenia - I do however fear its consequence, psychiatric intervention. Paradoxically it is the threat of intervention that persuades me to keep taking the tablets and live in prescribed reality.
Receiving the label schizophrenia was perhaps fated, but if I must be called ‘schizophrenic’, grant that it is not something I ‘have’ or ‘got’, it is neither an appendage nor something I have contracted, it is something I am. I regard my experience as a natural, integral, and vital part of my personal evolution - a blessing, not a curse.
I had become One in a Hundred; a teenage psychiatric patient diagnosed with schizophrenia.
I was told I must take antipsychotic drugs for the rest of my life. It is conceivable that had I accepted this literally I may not have experienced further shifts in consciousness. It is also conceivable, that had this been the case I would not have integrated my experiences and come to a subsequent understanding and resolution; consequently my life would have been impoverished.
There was a subtle and systematic attempt to condition me so that I would view myself as ill, diseased, and as experiencing delusional and hallucinatory states - ‘cancer of the mind.’
During one assessment session I underwent, I recall a clinician stating:
‘You are sick… do you know that?’
On replying: ‘No I am not’ I was informed that my answer clearly indicated I was and that until I had accepted this I would remain unwell. By saying I was not sick I was deemed to be insane, had I said the opposite the outcome would have inevitably and inescapably been the same… Catch 22.
Sadly, I began to see myself as deranged, until in 1984, I made the decision to extricate myself from psychiatric interference. I felt my identity had been sabotaged by diagnosis and fought to reclaim ownership of selfhood.
I have been prescribed antipsychotic drugs at various times and at varying levels, low and high. They have both helped and hindered, depending on the type of drug, efficacy, side effects and my personal circumstances.
I’ve experienced thirteen periods of schizophrenia spanning forty-five years. I have however, received psychiatric hospitality, mercifully, only four times ... ‘Quoth the Raven!’ As a University of Life, I have learned a great deal in intuitional settings.
I seize every occurrence and do not regard them as disparate or isolated, rather as way-markers representing psychic events that have assisted me navigate this Earthly and Universal adventure. For this, I thank my lucky stars and a loving, protective, accepting family. In addition, I have a GP whose sensitivity, intelligence, and open mind are a godsend, and I am embraced by a network of supportive friends and colleagues.
The first and following episodes were pervaded by signs, symbolism, synchronicity, and significance. As a result, in an endeavour to translate the transformational potential that psychosis possesses, having left the heat of the kitchen, I took up meditation [transcenmental medication] and decided to study art, with the aim of communicating my experiences using the language and vocabulary of visual media. I’m not eager to describe myself as an artist, preferring instead the more relevant and specific term Reality Tester. As a vehicle to communicate the experience of psyche-sensitivity, visual imagery is well suited; reality, illusion, metaphor and perception, a synthesis of the elements required to convey the complexities of the mind.
For many years I toured my work, and to earn a living became a Sign Maker… I am not a normal schizophrenic, I am a professional schizophrenic!
It was not until I had rejected psychiatry that I was able to set into context and make true sense of my experience of unusual states of consciousness. I feel I’ve accessed aspects of reality few are privileged to glimpse, like an intrepid explorer who has journeyed to distant and mysterious lands and who has returned to present evidence of his discoveries.
Although I do not regard my experience as an illness, I acknowledge that during periods of schizophrenia assistance was required, but the harrowing ill-treatment I received at the hands of psychiatry intensified mistrust and neglected needs.
I am committed to the cause of exposing Psychiatric Assault. I do not fear schizophrenia - I do however fear its consequence, psychiatric intervention. Paradoxically it is the threat of intervention that persuades me to keep taking the tablets and live in prescribed reality.
Receiving the label schizophrenia was perhaps fated, but if I must be called ‘schizophrenic’, grant that it is not something I ‘have’ or ‘got’, it is neither an appendage nor something I have contracted, it is something I am. I regard my experience as a natural, integral, and vital part of my personal evolution - a blessing, not a curse.